Day 13. Write about something you would like to change about yourself for the better.
I am actively trying to adjust to being happier. Because of the recent changes in my medication, the oppressive, heavy wet blanket of depression has lifted from my brain for the first time that I can remember. It is hard to explain to someone who has never dealt with it, but I can be happy--OVERJOYED, even--and still depressed. I had always wondered what it would be like to have my depression gone, how much of ME the depression was... it was daunting. Would I even recognize myself?
With the medication cocktail that is making such a huge difference, I finally have my answers, and the perfect metaphor in the blanket. My life is good, and has been for a while. I am happy. But the depression smothered the happiness, made it hard for me to feel it fully, and hard for me to express it. Now that I am feeling the relief of that considerably heavy blanket being lifted, the only task that is left seems to be integrating the happiness in my head into the joy of my heart. Again--this is so hard to explain! I have always had great joy, and great happiness, but the depression somehow kept them from integrating. What I most want to change is to be a fully happy woman, with no depression gaps--scars?--in the way.
I'm feeling very much that way, the scars are fading... I'm looking forward to the future as they continue to fade and I continue to grow. :-)