I made myself a necklace the other day... I had bought the pendant several months ago - I think it even made the move from Ohio - and knew what I wanted to do with it, but was holding out for the perfect large round link. I had had these word charms before, but the only one I still have says "discipline" and I wasn't sure that was the message I wanted next to this pendant. I mean, it's lovely, and would be great for, say, a keychain to your gym locker... anyway. When my set was full, it included the word "Love" which would be the obvious choice to go with a heart pendant. I happened upon the same set at Michaels last week, then saw that there was another card on the next peg with the same kind of charm, and noted that "Discipline" was not included in THIS pack... Woo! I'll take that one! Got it home, "Love" is also not included. Facepalm!
So, with "Love" no longer an option, I chose the ring that said "Joy" and made my necklace. As I sat and looked at the finished product, I got a little sentimental.
I decided that I really like the loose symbolism here... while my heart may be blue (and heavy), I need to remember not to let that steal my joy. Joy through trials. When I showed it to Ethan, he said simply, "Oh. A joyful heart," with a soft little smile. We had a moment.
Because, frankly, our hearts both ache, although we have plenty of reasons to be joyful. My diabetes doctor is being uncooperative with my fertility specialist... the fertility specialist wants to put me on Metformin, but the diabetes doc claims that there is no research to support that move, and that Metformin is dangerous for Type 1 diabetics. Even though I have searched the medical journal databases and found ample and current research to suggest that Type 1s CAN be insulin resistant as well as insulin dependent and Metformin CAN be used to break that resistance.
Warning, TMI: Until about a week ago, I hadn't had an unprovoked period since my surgery in December. I skipped January, used Provera to start in February, skipped March, used Provera again in April, then FIVE DAYS after I quit in April, I started again and had ANOTHER FULL period. Yeah, two full periods in three weeks. It was spiffy. So now I fret that my fertility is even worse off than it was pre-op, because I almost never skipped periods before, and CERTAINLY never had more than one in a month. We both have had some bloodwork recently, and we're waiting on the results... which could have a major impact on where we go from here. Waiting is hard. Finances are hard - did you know insurance almost never pays a dime for fertility stuff? We're lucky - ours pays a tiny bit. As in, about the amount of this bloodwork. Yeah. People get pregnant "accidentally" all the time... we're gonna break the bank to do it. Sometime I wonder if Ethan and I shouldn't go out to a bar and pretend to be strangers... he can pick me up and we can get naughty in the parking lot or behind some bleachers. Seems to work for "everybody else."
It's so easy to let bitterness creep in. Even easier, and sneakier, though... is the sadness. Sometimes, I'm just going about my routine, and notice that I'm about to cry. Or I find that my heart keeps dwelling on all of the things I want to do with and for my children. I want to decorate a nursery... and start a big, awesome library... I wish these Provera cramps were baby flutters or even morning sickness.
I'm having one of those days today. But I keep reaching for my necklace and reminding myself of all the reasons to be joyful. I'm God's beloved... and Ethan's, too. We had a wonderful weekend of "us" time... with the semester finally ending, his stress level is falling a lot, so we just cuddled and teased and giggled all weekend. It was blissful :c) I worked for a few hours yesterday, and was in my element... helping kids make memory wire bracelets for Mother's Day. I love my job, I love kids, and I love beading and crafty conversation. When I got home, my husband and my puppy were both thrilled to see me. I'm blessed. And, despite, a blue and hurting heart, I WILL be joyful.